It's Gonna Be A Great Day!!!

I have a busy but fun morning planned:

1. Take my daughter to the bank to deposit half of her birthday money.

2. Take her to Toys R Us to spend the other half.

3. Go to my local scrapbook store to drop off this month's assignment.

4. Go grab some gift certificates.

Then, this evening, I am going to a Holiday Party. Not only will I get to see all the design team members again, but there will be lots of yummy food!!

I can't tell you how excited I am about going. It almost feels like I am going on a date or something. I wonder what I will choose to wear, how will I do my hair, etc. You gotta realize that as a mom of three, my activities usually consist of being around even more children. To be able to go out for the evening and be with other adults is just as good as all the food I'll be eating tonight!

On A Brighter Note...

As if I weren't dealing with enough, it snowed here for the first time yesterday... bleh.

It was cold. I don't like cold weather. Due to poor circulation or something, my hands and feet are prone to suffer when it's cold outside. And I am so sensitive to the cold that I can start to shiver and chatter within moments of being outside in the winter time.

So there we were, my son and I, getting all of our winter gear on in preparation of walking to the bus stop. With hats and gloves on and coats zipped up to the top, we headed out.

I was in a funk and this weather wasn't helping at all.

Even seeing my eight year old son's excitement about "all the snow on the ground" wasn't enough to bring a smile to my face.

"Hmm..." I replied.

Once we had arrived at the bus stop we stood in silence for a minute. Normally this is a nice time for us to chat. He must have sensed my mood because he didn't try to engage me in conversation.

Then it happened... he stuck out his tongue and started catching snowflakes.

Such an innocent childhood activity.

And in that moment, despite the bitter cold air all around me, I melted. My soul was filled with love and joy.

His eyes caught mine, and he saw me smile. There we were, my son and I, standing quietly on a cold corner catching snowflakes with our tongues. Soon we began to laugh a little. We turned in different directions trying to find the best "snowflake catching" position. When his bus pulled up, we shared a quick hug, a smile, and a "Have a nice day!"

I walked back to the house feeling all warm inside and with a smile on my face.

Sometimes life gives you a moment to enjoy even when dealing with a lot of turmoil... I'm glad that not only I saw it, but completely felt and lived it as well.

Life... Unscripted

Cancer. My mom has cancer. We were blindsided by it.

The prognosis is good. The treatments might be difficult, but we will make it through this.

The stress is just almost too much to bear. It's more than just mentally dealing with the news. It's my role in this.

I am a daughter. And now I am a daughter of a mother with cancer.

I am also a wife and a mom to three. I have my usual responsibilities. I can't stop life in order to focus and deal with just taking care of my mom right now. At times I feel like I'm sinking.

I strive for balance, but it's hard. I am juggling so many balls, and some of them are falling.

I want to help my children with their homework, to make dinners that doesn't involve the microwave, to take my dog to puppy training, to want to play games with my children, to nurture my relationship with my husband, to continue to work on my client's scrapbook, and yes, to help my mom physically, mentally, and emotionally.

This is where I feel I am failing.

My usual responsibilities (as overwhelming as they are sometimes) are "safe" for me. I am comfortable in the craziness of the last half-hour of the children's awake time when we are getting backpacks ready for the next day, and I floss their teeth and teeth get brushed, where snuggles are shared, and I tuck them in. It's busy... it's the end of the day... I'm tired... but it's normal to me and I love it.

Getting a forth phone call from my mom within two hours however, makes me want to scream.

Then I feel guilty.

She lives alone. I know she feels scared and lonely. I know she feels like she is going to go stir crazy if she just sits around her house. Because we are close, she relies on me a lot to talk to, to entertain her, or just to be with her. And I can say that perhaps I would do the same if I were in her shoes. I understand. But it doesn't make it easier for me.

As much as we are alike, our lives are on completely different levels. She has too much idle time on her hands; I have too little. My house is filled with people and activity; hers is not.

I feel selfish that I can't give more to her than I am. But when I seriously look at this from all angles, I know that I cannot. We've talked about his issue. She says she knows I am doing what I can for her. But I know that she still feels the sting of aloneness.

And the cancer treatments haven't even started yet.

Our Halloween

Yes, I realize this is now old news, but here are my little ones on Halloween: