News: Bad & Good

The Bad News:
I was getting behind on my scrapbook layouts. Feeling stressed had zapped all my creative energies.

The Good News:
Feeling better, I got 4 pages scrapbooked this past weekend. Yea for me!

The Bad News:
On Tuesday I caught the stomach flu that's going around the family.

The Good News:
I lost 2 lbs of all the holiday eating I've been doing.

The Bad News:
They have now found cancer in my mom's liver.

The Good News:
Is there any? Well, trying to keep a positive outlook. We will get through this!

"A Pick Me Up" or "Picking Up Can Be Good For The Soul"

My life has been in complete chaos... and I'll be honest with you; this is the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I am not living my life to the fullest right now, I am just barely managing to survive.

Taking care of someone undergoing cancer treatment is physically tiring. But more than that, the effect it has on one's emotions is a thousand times worse. I have been thrown into a situation where I see my mom in pain on a daily basis. I've watched a vibrant and active lady turn into someone who can only manage to sit, take baths, and sometimes prepare something to eat.

I cry almost daily. I am constantly tired. Life is overwhelming right now. Other than taking care of my mom, I usually cannot manage more than the bare basics when taking care of my own house, kids, husband, and myself. In the evenings as I sit in my chair, I think of the things I should be doing. But I know that I'm not up to it, so I don't, and I don't even really care. This is not me, and I don't like it.

I am paralyzed by physical exhaustion and emotional fatigue. My shoulders are in constant pain from the stress, and almost every night my husband tries to kneed out the knots. I try to put on a happy face when out in public, and know that I'm lying in my response when someone asks "How are you?"

Well, I don't know what happened, but today I feel great! It is wonderful to be me again. I am doing well emotionally, and for the first time in days, I'm not on the verge of sobbing at any moment.

After checking my email and taking the time to submit some of my scrapbook layouts to various calls, I started cleaning. And I didn't stop for over two hours. The more I put things away and scrubbed some dirt and grime out of my house, the cleaner my soul felt. I realized a long time ago that I function best when in a uncluttered environment. I just didn't realize that by not being able to do the usual housework, I was adding to my emotional strain.

My shoulders are killing me, and the house isn't so clean that I would throw a dinner party, but it's clean enough to put a smile on my face.

It's My Party, And I'll Cry If I Want To...

In my teens and early twenties, I found it easy to cry. If I felt sad, angry, or wronged, the water works were easily turned on. I found that my husband didn't react to that very well. Sometimes he chose to ignore my tears, other times he would look scared, and then there were the times when he would bring me into his arms and comfort me.

In the 14 years that I've been married, I've learned how to manage my emotions better and do not cry as much... especially when I am feeling angry or wronged. I now take the time to try to really process what I'm upset about, question if it's something I can let go of, and if not, seek to find a resolution with calm words instead of with tears. And I have been lucky that I haven't had many sad episodes to deal with. I am no longer seen as "over-emotional" or as a "crier".

My husband has grown emotionally too. He knows that when I cry now, it's because something is truly and honestly hurting me to the core. And he responds in such a lovely way.

Last night I cried. I cried heavy, and I cried openly. And he was there comforting me and loving me.

As if that wasn't enough, here's what happened this morning:
I woke five minutes before his alarm clock was to ring. I usually sleep right through his waking up and getting ready for work. But this morning, before he rolled out of bed, I was able to steal a few minutes of laying in the dark spooning my husband. Without a word, he got up, reset his alarm clock and came back to bed. For the next twenty minutes, he held me... silently and lovingly. And when he was absolutely out of time, he quietly rolled out of bed, and left me to drift back off into a still and peaceful sleep.